dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
