I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
