I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
