I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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