just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize