The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I did not marry a roomba.
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