So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
