He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
NoShamevember. You game?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
