I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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