sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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