Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Randomize
