he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
