She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The Olympian is in my bed
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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