the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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