If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I didn't notice because vodka
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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