I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
