Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if only i could text you this smell
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
