he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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