I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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