im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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