what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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