hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize