god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
