I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
