i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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