woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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