I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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