Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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