I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
