Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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