if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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