Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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