When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
