Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
