I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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