My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
