Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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