I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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