It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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