farters have to be the big spoon...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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