happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Enjoy the penises
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
