I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
