we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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