Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
