i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
