i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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