Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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