Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
