Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
