i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Michael Bay diarrhea
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
