My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
