turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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