I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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