I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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