She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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